Now that Apple has announced the launch of the iPad, but not really the launch because it’s actually 60-90 days away, I’m here to tell you why it’s the biggest waste of your crispy Benjamins since anything covered in Swarovski crystals.
Numero uno: multitasking
No multitasking. Really? Really? Even my BlackBerry Bold, the dumpiest contemporary smartphone I know, has the courtesy to offer multitasking capabilities. In between scads of dropped calls and mysterious nexuses in which no AT&T reception can possibly exist, I actually have the luxury of listening to music and browsing the Internet at the same time!
Task BlackBerry Bold iPod Touch XL, er… iPad
IM + Email Yes No
Internet + Email Yes No
Internet + Streaming Music Yes Nope
Twitter + Internet Yes No again
Documents + Streaming Music Yes WTF no
ANYTHING + ANYTHING Yes Hell no
The iPad is so revolutionary, advanced and magical that it’s come full circle! The LG Chocolate Touch is scared shitless. You’re a fucking wizard, Steve-o!
No HDMI
I’m glad we have the iPad to relieve us of the ability to pipe 720p videos to our HDTVs. Phew. Dodged that bullet.
No Flash
You know what I want to see when I go to a sweet Flash website like Grooveshark? This crap…
OH BOY.
No USB
Some tablets have convenient connectivity options like SDHC slots and USB ports, but the iPad is definitely too sleek to accommodate either of those; wouldn’t want to tamper with Lord Jobs’ magical, advanced and revolutionary design brilliance now, would we?
But wait… You can buy ugly adapters to enable those features all while compromising the sleek aesthetics of the device! Enjoy your Apple tax, suckers!
The name:
The 3G WWAN
It’s AT&T… Again. Oh, it also adds $129 to the price of the device. Most expensive. ASIC. Ever.
The keyboard
Stand up, open your Netbook and then place it in your less dexterous hand. Try typing with your dominant hand. Fun? No? Just because it’s a half inch thick and squeezed from Steve Jobs’ anus doesn’t make typing in this manner any more enjoyable.
“eReader”
It uses an LCD which, most agree, sucks hard for reading novels. I don’t mind it, but most have some hangup about “the experience” of paper… Whatever that means.
It’s twice the price of the Kindle or a Nook for the same functionality.
It has 1/16th the battery life of a Kindle.
Free wireless downloads? LOLOLOLOL. Try $15 per month just to have the luxury.
