The Apple iPad: Laaaaaaaaame

[javajolt]

Now that Apple has launched the iPad, I’m here to tell you why it’s the biggest waste of your crispy Benjamins since anything covered in Swarovski crystals.

Numero uno: multitasking

No multitasking. Really? Really? Even my BlackBerry Bold, the dumpiest contemporary smartphone I know, has the courtesy to offer multitasking capabilities. In between scads of dropped calls and mysterious nexuses in which no AT&T reception can possibly exist, I actually have the luxury of listening to music and browsing the Internet at the same time!

The iPad is so revolutionary, advanced and magical that it’s come full circle! The LG Chocolate Touch is scared (expletive deleted...think _ _ itless). You're a (expletive deleted...think f _ _ king) wizard, Steve-o!

No HDMI

I’m glad we have the iPad to relieve us of the ability to pipe 720p videos to our HDTVs. Phew. Dodged that bullet.

No Flash

You know what I want to see when I go to a sweet Flash website like Grooveshark? This crap…



OH BOY.

No USB

Some tablets have convenient connectivity options like SDHC slots and USB ports, but the iPad is definitely too sleek to accommodate either of those; wouldn’t want to tamper with Lord Jobs’ magical, advanced and revolutionary design brilliance now, would we?

But wait… You can buy ugly adapters to enable those features all while compromising the sleek aesthetics of the device! Enjoy your Apple tax, suckers!

The name



The 3G WWAN

It’s AT&T… Again. Oh, it also adds $129 to the price of the device. Most expensive. ASIC. Ever.

The keyboard

Stand up, open your Netbook and then place it in your less dexterous hand. Try typing with your dominant hand. Fun? No? Just because it’s a half inch thick and squeezed from Steve Jobs’ anus doesn’t make typing in this manner any more enjoyable.

“eReader”

1. It uses an LCD which, most agree, sucks hard for reading novels. I don’t mind it, but most have some hangup about “the experience” of paper… Whatever that means.

2. It’s twice the price of the Kindle or a Nook for the same functionality.

3. It has 1/16th the battery life of a Kindle.

4. Free wireless downloads? LOLOLOLOL. Try $15 per month just to have the luxury.

So, is it better than a Kindle? Yeah, if you’re retarded. (Or a faniboy, but abusing the thesaurus doesn’t impress anyone).